I've come a long way with this whole grief thing.
I am able to celebrate her today.
I am filled with gratitude that I knew her....that she gave me anything and everything. Now that I have sweet Oliver, I have a much deeper understanding of her love...which only makes me miss her more. I wish that I could sit here right now and talk to her about motherhood and how it has reinvented me.....and us.
I remember when she was dying in front of us all and my dear aunt Elizabeth told me that I will wish for these moments back. She said that....as bad as Mom's death was getting...I would get to the place where I would want those moments...any moment...just to have her alive. I thought she was crazy. I could not imagine, at that time...in her anguish that I would ever want that.
I was wrong.
I really would take any moment with her again. I miss her to my core. I am sure I always will.
So, on Mother's day: I honor my Mom.
I honor all that you did for us. I am sorry for never wanting to finish my plate and for being a stubborn little pill. I love you for being so solid and wise and FUNNY. I love you for waking up at all hours to take my phone call and listen to my every babbling word as if you were not exhausted. I always felt that I was her most important thing.
I want to share with my friends the last time I "saw" my Mom. As she was dying, she "left" days/weeks before she died. Sweet Bryce and I began to stay up with her at night to monitor her and because she did not want to be alone. I remember one night in particular when she kept having Bryce and I get her up, lay her down, take her to a chiar, get her up, lay her down, take her to the bathroom, etc...etc...etc....
I was frustrated. We had just sat her down AGAIN and I was crying on her bed beside where she was sitting. We had not "seen" "her" in days. I felt her hand rubbing my head. I looked up and SHE was THERE. She just said to me, with her voice,
"I am so sorry, Sweetheart."
That was the last thing that she said to me.
She truly hated for us to see her like that. For a while that version of Mom was all I remembered. I am so thankful that my memories of her have returned fully and that she is with me again.
We miss you, Mom--but we carry you with us---every single day.
4 comments:
Thanks Susan for the blog entry. It was really nice. You got me all choked up. I missed Mom a great yesterday also.
-Adam
my dear suzie, brycey, oliver- i have, of course, flooded the keyboard w/ tears. its amazing to me that i still feel your amazing mother so acutely, vividly(esp. that it is her Bday eve). i am overwhelmed w/ her love and wisdom. truly- she touches my life daily- directly and indirectly thru her clone: Susan :) SHE is and always will be a gift to me.
what a beautiful, honest, and loving tribute. I only met your mom once (at your reception), but I have always remembered her. I am sure she was a spectacular lady, I can see that through you.
I am trying to even type this through instant tears and sadness. Sadness for you, a vivid pain in my heart when I think of my dad, a pain in my heart for my worry to ever lose my mom, and the feeling of wishing to know your mom,and wanting to thank her for bringing you into this world so that I could know you and have you as my friend. You are such a blessing, as a friend, a mommy, a wife, a person. xoxo.
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